Seeing the potential or dealing with reality - Which is the kinder approach?
Rabbi Y. Johnson
The name of the Yomtov of Chanukah is related to the word Chinuch. The central Mitzvah of Chanukah is lighting the Chanukah candles. Within this Mitzvah lies a powerful lesson in Chinuch, raising and guiding our children. Beyond education, the lights of Chanuka also offer us a perspective for how to relate to others.
The Gemora records a Talmudic debate on how we should light our Chanukah candles;
The Yeshivah of Shammai rules that the Chanukah candles should be lit in descending order, starting with eight on the first night and working down to one candle on the final night.
Their colleagues Beis Hillel rule that the candles are lit in an ascending manner, starting with one light on the first night and adding an extra candle on each subsequent night.
The Gemora explains the logic underlying their respective opinions as follows, the School of Shammai mark the days which are yet to come. The School of Hillel marks the days which have already entered.
A recurring theme in the disputes between Beis Hillel and Beis Shammai throughout the Talmud, is that Beis Shammai focuses on the potential whereas Beis Hillel sees the situation as it currently is.
In the case at hand, on the first night of Chanukah, one day has actually entered, but there are 8 remaining days of the festival. For the disciples of Shammai, lighting eight candles marks this potential, the days that are yet to come. Beis Hillel rules that we mark the actual, symbolising the days which have actually been experienced.
The halocha, which follows Beis Hillel, is reflected in the name of the festival חנוכה, and acronym for ח' נרות והלכה כבית הלל – Eight candles and the Halocha is like Beis Hillel.
Kabbalah and Chassidus teach that the disputes of Hillel and Shammai stem from deep within their souls.
The source of Shammai’s Neshomo comes from the aspect of Gevurah. Therefore most of Shammai’s rulings take a more stringent or forbidding approach. As a personality, Shammai comes across as intolerant and exacting. When approached by the want-to-be convert asking to be taught the entire Torah while standing on one foot, Shammai chased him away with a measuring stick.
On the other hand, Hillel’s soul-root is in the aspect of Chessed, expressing loving-kindness and acceptance. Hillel’s Halachic rulings generally take a more lenient and permissive approach. His approach is one of patience, warmth and acceptance. The same Ger which Shammai drove away, Hillel accepted with his idiosyncrasies and all.
This personality difference is evident in their names. Shammai is connected to the dictum of our sages Hasham Orchosav – one who measures and evaluates their ways. Hillel is connected to the term Behilo Neiro - his candle shines brightly, sharing light and radiance with others.
How do the rulings of Beis Hillel and Beis Shammai about lighting candles fit with their soul-personalities?
Surely the ability to see the potential in something is an expression of Chessed? Isn’t seeing and believing in someone’s potential a display of kindness and love; we don’t judge a person for how they appear but rather see who they can be?
Seeing the potential is a great thing but it can very easily become an expectation. The expectations then become the measuring stick by which we evaluate others and how we relate to the individual in front of us. Do they measure up or not?
Shammai relates to the potential he sees in every person and situation. How they could be becomes how they should be. But when this expectation and projection of reality is not met, it can lead to disappointment and resentment; If this is who you can be than that is how you should be now. This places a strain on the relationship.
It also prevents us from being able to recognise and celebrate what the other has been actually accomplished.
An example: When Chaim misbehaves it is the future Rosh Yeshivah who is misbehaving, instead of just a child. Instead of a Yasher Koach for the 90% on the test, the response is why didn’t you get 100%?
A more damaging variation of this is when the potential we see is one that we project on how others should be, measured by our own measuring stick – not theirs. We benchmark the behaviour of others on our own standards. When the measuring bar is dissociated from the present reality and the bar is inevitably set too high and the subject is set up to fail.
This measuring stick is absolute. The approach is a uniform and there is an expectation for everyone to conform to a set of standards, disregarding the individuality, circumstance and capability of each person.
Chessed is pragmatic and understanding, focusing on the other person and the reality of who they are. We understand their strengths and their weaknesses and celebrate their achievements.
That’s not to say that the Hillel approach does not believe in seeing the potential. But looking solely at the potential and not seeing the reality affects our ability to accept (or not accept) others, imperfect and incomplete as they are. Yes we believe in and hope they will reach their potential, but more importantly we have to embrace and accept them as they are now, and express appreciation for the accomplishments they have achieved, even though it’s not perfect.
One of the reasons why Halocha follow Beis Hillel is because they were humble and accepting. They understood the people and the reality of where they were at - and ruled accordingly. The people, feeling this understanding, could relate back and embrace the Halocha.
On the first night of Chanukah, even though we are lighting just one candle, we light it on the Menorah with all eight branches. We believe in the potential that can be achieved, but we celebrate the actual of what has been accomplished and relate to the person how they are actually in front of us.
Ultimately it was Hillel’s approach which brought the Ger under the wings of the Shechina. In an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding, when we celebrate accomplishments and recognise struggles, we allow people to be on their journey and not yet finished products. And we give them space and encouragement to continue to grow.
In a perfect world, with perfect people, Shammai’s standards and expectations are appropriate, so when Moshiach comes, the Halocha will follow Shammai.
But until that time, in an imperfect world with imperfect people, הלכה כבית הלל, Halocha takes the Hillel approach.
The Gemora records a Talmudic debate on how we should light our Chanukah candles;
The Yeshivah of Shammai rules that the Chanukah candles should be lit in descending order, starting with eight on the first night and working down to one candle on the final night.
Their colleagues Beis Hillel rule that the candles are lit in an ascending manner, starting with one light on the first night and adding an extra candle on each subsequent night.
The Gemora explains the logic underlying their respective opinions as follows, the School of Shammai mark the days which are yet to come. The School of Hillel marks the days which have already entered.
A recurring theme in the disputes between Beis Hillel and Beis Shammai throughout the Talmud, is that Beis Shammai focuses on the potential whereas Beis Hillel sees the situation as it currently is.
In the case at hand, on the first night of Chanukah, one day has actually entered, but there are 8 remaining days of the festival. For the disciples of Shammai, lighting eight candles marks this potential, the days that are yet to come. Beis Hillel rules that we mark the actual, symbolising the days which have actually been experienced.
The halocha, which follows Beis Hillel, is reflected in the name of the festival חנוכה, and acronym for ח' נרות והלכה כבית הלל – Eight candles and the Halocha is like Beis Hillel.
Kabbalah and Chassidus teach that the disputes of Hillel and Shammai stem from deep within their souls.
The source of Shammai’s Neshomo comes from the aspect of Gevurah. Therefore most of Shammai’s rulings take a more stringent or forbidding approach. As a personality, Shammai comes across as intolerant and exacting. When approached by the want-to-be convert asking to be taught the entire Torah while standing on one foot, Shammai chased him away with a measuring stick.
On the other hand, Hillel’s soul-root is in the aspect of Chessed, expressing loving-kindness and acceptance. Hillel’s Halachic rulings generally take a more lenient and permissive approach. His approach is one of patience, warmth and acceptance. The same Ger which Shammai drove away, Hillel accepted with his idiosyncrasies and all.
This personality difference is evident in their names. Shammai is connected to the dictum of our sages Hasham Orchosav – one who measures and evaluates their ways. Hillel is connected to the term Behilo Neiro - his candle shines brightly, sharing light and radiance with others.
How do the rulings of Beis Hillel and Beis Shammai about lighting candles fit with their soul-personalities?
Surely the ability to see the potential in something is an expression of Chessed? Isn’t seeing and believing in someone’s potential a display of kindness and love; we don’t judge a person for how they appear but rather see who they can be?
Seeing the potential is a great thing but it can very easily become an expectation. The expectations then become the measuring stick by which we evaluate others and how we relate to the individual in front of us. Do they measure up or not?
Shammai relates to the potential he sees in every person and situation. How they could be becomes how they should be. But when this expectation and projection of reality is not met, it can lead to disappointment and resentment; If this is who you can be than that is how you should be now. This places a strain on the relationship.
It also prevents us from being able to recognise and celebrate what the other has been actually accomplished.
An example: When Chaim misbehaves it is the future Rosh Yeshivah who is misbehaving, instead of just a child. Instead of a Yasher Koach for the 90% on the test, the response is why didn’t you get 100%?
A more damaging variation of this is when the potential we see is one that we project on how others should be, measured by our own measuring stick – not theirs. We benchmark the behaviour of others on our own standards. When the measuring bar is dissociated from the present reality and the bar is inevitably set too high and the subject is set up to fail.
This measuring stick is absolute. The approach is a uniform and there is an expectation for everyone to conform to a set of standards, disregarding the individuality, circumstance and capability of each person.
Chessed is pragmatic and understanding, focusing on the other person and the reality of who they are. We understand their strengths and their weaknesses and celebrate their achievements.
That’s not to say that the Hillel approach does not believe in seeing the potential. But looking solely at the potential and not seeing the reality affects our ability to accept (or not accept) others, imperfect and incomplete as they are. Yes we believe in and hope they will reach their potential, but more importantly we have to embrace and accept them as they are now, and express appreciation for the accomplishments they have achieved, even though it’s not perfect.
One of the reasons why Halocha follow Beis Hillel is because they were humble and accepting. They understood the people and the reality of where they were at - and ruled accordingly. The people, feeling this understanding, could relate back and embrace the Halocha.
On the first night of Chanukah, even though we are lighting just one candle, we light it on the Menorah with all eight branches. We believe in the potential that can be achieved, but we celebrate the actual of what has been accomplished and relate to the person how they are actually in front of us.
Ultimately it was Hillel’s approach which brought the Ger under the wings of the Shechina. In an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding, when we celebrate accomplishments and recognise struggles, we allow people to be on their journey and not yet finished products. And we give them space and encouragement to continue to grow.
In a perfect world, with perfect people, Shammai’s standards and expectations are appropriate, so when Moshiach comes, the Halocha will follow Shammai.
But until that time, in an imperfect world with imperfect people, הלכה כבית הלל, Halocha takes the Hillel approach.